By Bonnie Bereskin

Most people find it uncomfortable to visit someone in a nursing home or retirement residence. It is boring and depressing. There is little to talk about other than meals ("what did you have for lunch ?"), health issues ("how are you feeling ?") and current news ("nothing"). All of the suggestions below require some effort and planning but can provide for more interesting and stimulating time.

When to Visit
Keep visits short and at a time when your loved one is functioning best. A few short visits are much more pleasant than a long one. Set a time period for your visit, rather than waiting until your loved one is tired and agitated. Morning is usually better than evening.

Where

• A walk outside or a local coffee shop can be very pleasant.

• If your family member cannot get out then you can "bring the outside in" by bringing a colorful tablecloth, picnic lunch and some memories of earlier picnics, birthday parties, etc.

• Attend hospital/home programs and concerts together.

• Visit with other patients and families.

Who

• If you can bring another family member or friend it can make for a more interesting visit. Remember to include everyone in the conversation.

• Communication is often easier if there is a new person present. Conversation can be three-way rather than two-way. This is particularly helpful if the person finds it difficult to communicate. In this way the "conversation load" is shared.

What to Talk About

• Photographs or other tangible objects can stimulate memories and be used for reminiscing. This can be a time to share gratitude and appreciation for the contributions that the person made in the past. When one is feeling helpless and ill it is important to feel that there have been many times in which one offered strength and support.

• Sometimes it helps to come in with memories: "I was thinking about all the times that you used to take us ..."

• Come with reading material, news articles that have a common interest, i.e. "Look, Dad. They are building a casino at the waterfront. What do you think of them legalizing gambling in Ontario?" Many severely cognitively impaired individuals can still read newspaper headlines and have an opinion about current events. Discuss a topic ("what do you think about ...?") but don't quiz the individual ("do you know the name of the Prime Minister?"). This is demeaning.

• Sing songs together. Who doesn't feel better after singing?

• Play games together. Junior Scrabble, Pictionary, simple card games can be fun. A miniature putting green (even in a wheel chair), dart throw (be careful), etc. can provide some laughs and entertainment. Do what you enjoy.

• A rule of thumb is that if you enjoy the activity often the other person will also.

• Bring a light video such as a musical or an old TV show ("I Love Lucy","Mr. Bean," etc.) and watch it together.

• Celebrate special events. Have a party.

• Decorate his or her room for an upcoming holiday, like Valentine's Day.

• Write letters.

• A back rub with wonderfully fragrant cream might be very welcome.

• For women, personal grooming -- nails, make-up etc. -- are fun.

• Religious observance, church/synagogue attendance or observance in the room are meaningful to certain people. Many institutions have pastoral visits on request.

• Gardening in the room or recreation area can be fun and a relief from the monotony of the institution.

• Be a willing listener and a shoulder to cry on.

• Some days are better than others. Remember that it is a great act of love to visit and stay involved. If it is not a good visit then don't personalize it. Don't take responsibility for its difficulty. If it is a good visit then enjoy.

• The more you try, the fewer regrets there'll be down the road.

Karen's note: My dad seems to like travelogues; I believe it is because there is no plot to follow and these videos require minimal concentration.